Death of parents

I haven't updated this in the last 5 weeks. So sorry for those who were left hanging about my dad. He passed away, quietly, in no pain, on Sept 20 about 3 AM. We were there, as was his wife. It was initially not as hard as I thought it was going to be, but seeing him decline did help the grieving start before his death. We had a great time the Friday night before his death. My brother came over with is wife, and we were laughing so much that the poor roommate left and wheeled around in the halls until late. It was good to share memories, and my brother read John 10, part of which is Dad's confirmation passage. I saw the next generation taking over leadership that night and I was so proud of my brother. I know he's going to follow in those big footprints, even if his tractor is a bit smaller and is blue instead of red. I'm blessed to know where Dad is, and that is such a comfort to us all. I know it's been hard for Jean, and we strive to keep in touch with her to make sure things are going well. She has many friends in town who watch over her, but I told Dad we would be watching out for her, too.

We were on vacation last week in Branson. That time away from work and just being me made it all a bit more real. I saw a father and daughter sharing their meal (literally eating half), and I thought, "that's so special that he's taking time out to listen to her and share with her." It brought me to near tears as I realized I can't do that anymore, at least not in this life. For the fathers who read this, be sure you take that time out, even if it's only an hour every so often, because those memories will be so sweet. I truly believe in Daddy dates. She was such a cute little girl, too, about 4-5, just babbling on about something, and he was just listening to her and asking questions from time to time. It would have made a great commercial!

The other recent thing that has happened and is messing up the life-schedule has been the destruction of our lovely little Focus when it was rear-ended 2 weeks ago (yes, right before vacation). We didn't hear it was totalled for sure until a week ago. Now we're car hunting, which isn't what we wanted to spend our free time doing in the next few weeks. Everybody was ok, just shook up, but she hit us hard enough I only felt myself fly forward, didn't see it, and when I saw something, I was on the other side of the intersection with the car rolling some. That automatic gas shutoff thing really does work! It just sputtered to a stop as I hit the brake. There was nobody in front of us, and the intersection is really a T and I was on the top part outer lane, so it was "ideal" for timing and location. However, to my great disappointment, not a soul stopped except the gal who hit us (and she wasn't going too far in that car). We had an answered prayer when we called our friends who were going to St. Louis that day and happened to be right across the street at Wal-Mart when we called them. Talk about God's timing! We had a great meal with them and got a ride home with fellowhip we didn't plan on that day. We wish it hadn't happened in the first place, but it ended up great. Now to just find a car we like as well as that 2005 Focus. We're considering another Focus or a Chevy Cobalt, which we test drove today. Ok, I drove, Dan rode as usual, but I did try out the passenger side and back. It's no worse for long legs in the back than the other one, so it passed. It might actually be a bit better. We're still comparing prices and costs over the next couple weeks, and trying to figure out creative financing for it. I think it'll turn out fine, though. We may not get what we want, but we can live without certain features like we used to before they were created. I'd forgotten how to roll down a window, but I can relearn easily if need be. I'm perty smart.

Pyromaniacs: Here's your problem: you really, really don't get Deuteronomy 29:29

Pyromaniacs: Here's your problem: you really, really don't get Deuteronomy 29:29: "Link

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The facts of life

It doesn't seem like it's been 11 days since I was told Dad's getting ready to leave us. He's withdrawn now and doesn't talk much. It's hard to watch him be so restless, but I appreciate just being able to sit in his room, even if he's sleeping. Just to know he's there and I'm there is comforting. I wish my brother had the same opportunity. I know he would like to have it. I feel like Esther-- for such a time as this, we moved from the beauty of Alaska to enjoy the beauty of life with dad for just a few more years. We're on 4 years now, and it's been worth all the heat and the travels of late to see him as we prepare for him to "GO HOME" to the Lord that he has taught me to fear and follow. I'm blessed to be part of this family with a legacy of faith.

Life can be painful

Dad's been in the nursing home because he's weak for about a month now. The last 24 hours have been a bit rough. Last night, my step-mother, Jean, told me Dad's kidneys are shutting down. I recommended no dialysis, as did his doctor today. The prostate cancer is making him have bone pain, which is hard to control, the pain meds make him sleepy and goofy, and the kidneys failing will make him more goofy potentially but will not create pain. We all now realize he's not going home (on earth anyway), which is a relief since there's been some disagreements on the point from time to time. His doctor is telling us that he has 2 weeks; I'm not a good guesser at that stuff. I know at the rate things have been going, that he's not going to be around much more than a month. Most of the non-essential meds (like those to keep the prostate cancer at bay) they have stopped, all physical therapy has stopped (it just wears him out but isn't progressing), and we'll be spending all the time we can with him. I know some of you have gone through this recently yourself and know that pain, though we have the hope of eternal life, which I can't imagine not having. This is a transitional period for him and us. It's been 20.5 great years with him since his initial heart attack in 1988, and we discussed that last Christmas. He has a will to stick around, but I know we have to let him go if he's supposed to go. I wasn't even sure how to blog this, and it has brought a cascade of tears, but I think I feel better. Those who are praying, thanks ever so much. Even the news on TV seems so minuscule to me tonight. I knew the news was going to come after last night's conversation with Jean. I'm glad she has come to terms with where we are, as that makes it easier. My brother will be coming by with the kids on Sunday, we'll try to get away on Monday as I work the next 2.5 days (probably till noon Monday) and hopefully can get someone to cover me the rest of the day. This is why we moved back 4 years ago, and we don't regret it. It's 4 more years that we have memories of Christmas and birthdays, babies, and laughter together as a family.

Life and Pain

I just felt lead to write tonight. I'm not sure why, but I did. My heart is heavy burdened for a friend of mine that I wish so much I could wrap in my arms and hold as she so lovingly takes care of her dying sister. I have temptations to just jump a plane and fly to her to help her, abandoning all the responsibilities I have. Some say that's what makes me a good doctor--I feel things. Sometimes, it's just plain hard. The resource I lean on now is praying so fervently, as I haven't prayed in so long, that the Lord will meet her needs where I can't right now. That He will wrap her in His arms, which are so much bigger than mine, and comfort her and her sister, even this night. That the peace that passes ALL understanding, will guard their hearts and minds in Christ Jesus in a way that they have never experienced before. I want to cry with them, sigh with them, love on them, just be there. I will need to rely on the omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent God of the universe to do that for me. I sincerely think He's up to the task and meeting all the other needs He knows of that I don't in my finite little brain and soul. He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us, that He will be with us to the end of the age. I rely on that promise tonight for you, my dear sister. Know that I have tears as I pray for you tonight.

After a long respite

I haven't known just what to write or had the time to write it, so tonight, I thought I'd make an effort. Easter has come and gone, and I remembered all I've learned about Easter in the last year. If I didn't remember it, I didn't learn it, right? So, that fact that 3 days means 3 days (it doesn't sound like a new concept, but keep with me) came back to me on the 8th as I was thinking about the cross and the suffering that happened before that. That happened on Wednesday--if you go backwards, it's the first day of the week when the resurrection occurred, so that's Saturday night/Sunday AM. SO, you've got 1)Friday night; 2) Thursday; 3)Wednesday. Tradition seems to have changed that a bit by not using the Jewish time: "there was evening and morning, the first day". We Gentiles just think a bit different in this century, but we can adjust.

So, there's Wed, as I work, thinking of Christ's suffering for me on the cross so that I don't have to pay for those things I do and don't do (when I should be not doing and doing). I know, even today, I messed that up, and that payment still is on my account. What an amazing thought. My light bill keeps coming every month, to my great disappointment, but yet the bill for my sin continues to be paid--from that day over 2000 years ago. Wow.

I've also learned about the feasts around this time. It makes sense once you hear it. The day Christ died was the preparation day for Passover. That was the day that the perfect lamb was sacrificed (hey, could that be the Lamb of God that just died at the same hour that we were to slit the throat of the Passover lamb?) Then, Passover was Wed night/Thurs day. The feast of Unleaven bread was next, as Jesus was in the tomb, broken for us, with stripes, and annointed, just as the Passover unleaven bread that is hidden before the meal in a sack.

Well, the amazing things don't stop then. The feast of first fruits is next, the early wheat harvest. By gum, Jesus was the first fruits of those who have died. Now, if I got any of this wrong, look in the comments as I bet there will be some corrections!

So that's my excitement about Easter and what I've learned. Sometimes, I wish I'd been closer to Jewish people to learn these festivals as I grew up, but since I'm still a kid at heart, I suppose it's not too late.

Life and death

This past week, one of my little snippets on a calandar said "if someone tells you life is hard, ask them 'compared to what?'" I am still contemplating that one.

But the more bothersome part of the week was yesterday. I decided to go in late for rounds, like the slightly tired person I am on the weekends after a busy week, and the 2nd person I saw, had the whole family (or many of them) all around the bed. My dear friend was sitting in a wheelchair by his wife's side, looking very distressed. Now, this is a very misunderstood man who most would say was an unpleasant sort of fellow, but to be honest, I've grown very fond of him over the past 2 years. I understand where he's coming from. He's been married to the same woman for 70 years at least (which blows my mind after only 5.5 years of marriage--if I'd only met Dan younger...). I had to stuff some of the feelings today to get through the rest of rounds, but tonight, I decided to try to let them out. Dan says this is what makes me a good doc--I feel their pain tonight and have been praying for them as I had promised. I fear her husband will give up on life as he has his own medical problems that could kill him. I, like him, ask if there was anything else I could have done? I've come to the conclusion that really, I couldn't have done anything else, and I need to express that to him as well when I visit him on Tuesday. There's nothing that he did or didn't do that caused this. At 91, the body is not able to do the same things it did at 21, and that makes any disease more serious. As I've thought about the past 2 days, I don't think he or I could have done anything to change the outcome. God, on the other hand, had full power, and was in full control of the situation, so I need not fear my humanity one little bit. I hope I have the wisdom to express that in a way he understands on Tuesday or at visitation if he's not around that day. He's like a member of my family.

Death is part of life, but I was wondering on the way home, do we fight it so much because we know we were not meant to die? We were created to live forever in the garden, in the presence of God. I have contributed to the fall on my own, but all were doomed by 1 disobedience that to us humans, seems so small. But all sin is just that--disobedience. Doesn't matter how we measure it on earth, it's the same in heaven. As the prodigal son said, "I have sinned against heaven". Doesn't matter what the sin is, it's sin and separates us from God. I believe this woman knew that Christ died for that sin and was raised from the dead so that death is not having the victory because she accepted that payment to her account of sin. I hope that makes the separation easier for my friend, knowing that he will see her again, whole, beautiful, and well. I look forward to it myself.

Internet radio and cats

Ok, I've been off work for a while, so my brain is a bit mushy (not due to Hulu). I just found out about a new site on the web that will let me listen to my favorite albums (that got warped in the attic) without buying them. It's one more way to help with my cluttered life. It's pandora.com (thanks Allison for noting it in your blog). I thought I'd try it, and so far they have picked every song that I have loved from the 80's artists that I enjoyed. I have also found Christian artists like Bill Gaither. It's fascinating to be able to create my own station from songs I like and a type of music I like. For now, anyway, it's entertaining.

Dan is doing well, but thinks he should be back to normal already. I try to tell him he's had major surgery and it's only been 3 weeks. So, I have the job of reminding him that he's doing well and to slow down. He tried to chase the stray cat away today--he found that being a mistake. What's one more mouth to fee when the mama cat has been lost? Yes, he's ugly and he's bossy to the others, but he's not a coon or a possum, so I'm ok with him eating.

Yes, I'm staying up way too late for having to start back to work Wed, but I'll get the hang of it again.

Recovery and Healing

As I listen to my husband snooze next to me tonight, I figured I better write some more since there's not been an update since post-op day 2. He's has survived the trial of not being able to drink much for 6 days, pain when walking, not caring if he shaved, and has a new appreciation for showers and water. This is not a man who has been a big fan of water before, but to say this experience has changed him is an understatement. He's drinking more water than soda or non-carbonated soft drinks. This is good to see as I know it's healthier for him. He is recovering well from the major surgery he had, and we do appreciate everyone prayers--they have created a healing that I didn't think 3 weeks ago would have been possible. He's moving well, awake most of the day, and is eating better now (it really had ruined his appetite the first 2 weeks). He ate an entire TV dinner 2 nights ago, and ate pretty well tonight from our left-overs (thanks--it was SO good, Martin!) I may not be looking forward to going back to work on the 11th, but I know he's doing well enough I don't have to worry about him much. He's frustrated that he's still not having a whole lot of energy, but I know that will come back.

I'm also finding out that pain control is important, especially at night. He is trying tonight to us only Ibuprofen, and we'll see how it goes. If it doesn't work, they will give him some other pain meds that aren't quite a strong as what he had right out of surgery, but he doesn't need as much anymore anyway. So far, the ibuprofen seems to be doing the trip if his breathing is any indication. It's good to see God heal quickly and so completely. It's something I sometimes take for granted, and shouldn't. It's been a tough lesson to learn, but it's been incredible to watch.

The long night

There are some things that are taken for granted in my life. Being able to sleep well is one of them that I am learning more about now. Dan had an anxiety attack yesterday evening, so I stayed in the room with him last night. He ended up not having a roommate as the other guy was transferred. He has been misable with pain and says he didn't know it would be this hard. He's wanting something to drink, but he's belching, so it doesn't seem to be going through quite yet. They are allowing him 1 oz every hour. He's been up walking 2x today, but it hurts. They have increased his pain medicine a bit, so that may help with the pain. He's maxed out on what they were giving him and still having problems, so I hope this helps him sleep some. He doesn't even seem to doze at all. I got some quick naps in the night in my recliner chair between the various pumps and bells going off. Why does the IV always run out just as you drift off? It may be a nice musical tune, but it's still annoying. The night nurse really tried to reassure him that he's doing well. He feels like this is so slow and he's going to be here longer than he planned. I told him this is only day 2 after surgery--I see good things happening even when he doesn't, and try to share them as I see them to encourage him. I do remember, however, how slow the time seemed to go and how much I didn't feel like I could do--just getting up to go to the bathroom was a major project. Handicap rails are the most wonderful things in the world post-op. Such ease in ascending, and such difficulty when they aren't there.

They have podiums here to walk with--I think we need one locally. They are like the podiums for preaching or the kneeling rails Catholics have, but they are on wheels so you have something to lean on. I just had my trusty pole, but he's to graduate to pole walking later today.

Even though he's impatient, he is doing well, just struggling psychologically. Pray that we both have patience with th process. It can seem so long. And for good sleep for Dan--if he sleeps well, I'll sleep well.

It's over!

Ok, finally, we have a successful surgery of a grapefruit sized tumor, no cancer in the borders, no lymph nodes, and no sign that there will be any problems in the future with this. We are SO grateful to our Lord for this outcome. As I've listened to some of the other folks around, they have various cancers that need chemo or aren't treatable except with experimental drugs. We feel very blessed that his life has been preserved and that it looks like his health will return. People are talking about the miracle on the Hudson (which I believe is), but I feel like we have our own little miracle right here in Rochester, MN with no water involved. (I think Dan wants some water right now though, but they are working on that with some extra IV fluids tonight.)

The other thing that we are going to remember is the family that we have all over the place. We met some "new friends" at church who prayed with Dan after the evening service, showed real love and concern about us, and made us feel very at home. We've met another brother who is the Southern Baptist chaplain with the Mayo system today. Dan met someone who married a girl from Glennallen, AK, but I haven't met him yet. I'm dying to see who it was and if I know her, whether they know other people we know, etc. Hopefully he'll find us before we leave.

So, from a blessed couple who believes in miracles, we thank you for your prayers and love!

Drawing closer to THE day

As the day of my hubby's surgery draws near (3 days), I try to relax and remember Who is in control. I have a power that is above all comprehension who is guiding the hands of the doctors in the surgery and the team before and after the procedure. No matter what happens, we can't lose. Knowing that Christ's blood atones for our sin on the cross and that as we have accepted that gift, offered free of charge, we have already obtained the goal of heaven. Death holds no sting as it's the end of this life of suffering, but is the beginning of a new life (and I might add a new body that I look forward to) for eternity with our Lord and Saviour. Wow, the awesomeness of it sometimes overwelms me when I try to comprehend it all. Now, don't get me wrong, I want my hubby to stay around quite a while (or else why do this surgery?), but I also know that he's in good hands all along the path of the next few days. I'll blog as we go between the Christmas cards that are late and the calling of important folks in our lives to let them know how we are. We appreciate them all!

Birthdays

I have now turned 43 as of Sunday, no fanfare, no cake, no party, just quietly at work. Yes, I know it was Sunday, but I had to work anyway. I thought I'd get the next weekend off, but I was incorrect on that as it just occurred to me that I agreed to work some. Oops. Partly that's because someone was to be gone who then changed her mind after we already had the work calandar done, so now I'm stuck. However, I DEFINITELY get the next weekend off since I plan on leaving for the cold north of southern Minnesota and my hubby's surgery. He said he would celebrate later. Since he'll be laid up for a while, I don't know when that will be. So, I'll stay happy with being old (per my 20 year old nephew) in the quiet.

I also have been praying for a friend of mine. She broke her right arm on Dec 20, now she's in the hospital for what we thought was stomach flu, but she seems to have a left-over gallstone stuck in her duct. This is on top of her husband being laid off for 2 months, and her unable to work because of her arm. She wonders how much more they can stand. So, I'm trying to find a way to help her through all of this. She is a believer, seeking a church locally, and feeling overloaded. Of course, worrying does not help anything physical. So, I'm doing daily social calls to the hospital now after or before work. That's actually a fun part of my day in spite of her having an illness I'd rather she not have. Since she's not been a work, I've really missed her and it is fun to visit with her and help her get her mind off of her problems.

I suppose I've run out of news again. I've read all the blogs I follow, and looked at all the wedding pictures on another website, so it's time to clean off the bed from my treasurer job on the side and see what kind of sleep I can get before another day of work. I keep repeating that it's all for my hubby, so it's worth it in the end.